It happened about a third of the way up the trail.
I was out of breath, tucked into a line of fall tourists climbing one of the most popular foliage hikes in New England, and I was already struggling.
I was embarrassed and tired and I had barely started the trail.
My mind was shouting at me to give up. I was too old. I was too overweight. I was just too broken coming off a few years of injuries that just kept stacking up.
By the time I reached the summit, I had reached a conclusion. I missed the part of me that spent whole days outside as a kid. Tramping around through the woods behind our house with my siblings, making forts and climbing trees. I wanted that back.
I wanted days spent in the woods with the trees and the animals. I wanted to trust that I could take care of myself and show up prepared to hike any trail I choose. I’ve never been an athlete, but I was always able to do the things I wanted to do.
Midlife was coming in HOT and things were changing rapidly in my life. Life had sped up to a pace that wasn’t sustainable forever and I felt like I was losing myself to it.
That day gave me a few lightbulb moments to ponder while I sat on the summit with my snacks (the main reason I hike!).
I don’t care how long it takes me to complete a hike. I just want to be outside.
I don’t care if no one wants to go with me. I trust myself to be safe alone.
I don’t care how big or small my body is. I want to be healthy and strong enough to keep going.
I’m hiking differently now. My goals are shifting more toward time on trail, and less about the accomplishments (although my brain LOVES a good list). I just love being outside. If I can spend a day with the wind in my hair and listening to birds sing, sign me up! It’s the peaceful feelings I’m seeking these days.
The goal is to keep my body strong while actually ENJOYING the movement. Somewhere along the way I began to see hiking less as work and more like recovery from the rest of a busy midlife season. A place to let my mind rest while soaking in the quiet of nature.
Maybe I was missing the point the whole time… maybe midlife is supposed to be about returning to things you love, instead of reinventing yourself into something new.